Should Have Said...

Close enough to start a war
All that I have is on the floor
God only knows what we're fighting for
All that I say, you always say more

I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb, I can't breathe

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won't rescue you to just desert me
I can't give you, the heart you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables

Under haunted skies I see you
Where love is lost, your ghost is found
I braved a hundred storms to leave you
As hard as you try, no I will never be knocked down

I KNOW

Love every time i close my eyes, i can hear it softly whispering to me...
i know im braver now.

Love, that word. matters now. it doesnt frighten me at all. it gives me strength to move on, to live.

love, i know i love to love love. to feel, to fall, and to give.

i know who i am and what i want. and it will be worth it.

WHISTLEBLOWER

Human trafficking was never caught my attention, i mean i have heard about it, read it somewhere, but i have never took a close look on it until yesterday when i was watching "the whistleblower" movie, and it caught me by heart.

the movie was based on a true story that happened in Bosnia, where girls from age 12 to 14 or 16 years old, had been sold, some by their own families, as sex slave.
they had been abducted, held against their will, repeatedly raped and beaten, sometimes their captors insert some object into their vagina or anus,as one of horrific punishments that they have to endure to stay alive.

they had been kept together into a small room full of human feces, their hands and ankles locked with chains. and treated like animal.

the movies was so horrific and i was appalled with all the scenes which so abusive, that according to the movie director that they had already tone down from the actual story.

human trafficking is a social issues that most people tend to forget, but it's a global issue that is happening every single second around the world, which some underage girls, sold to another country, to become sexual slave, it's international trade, they are the commodity, and people got richer because of that. it happens not only in Bosnia, but also in Rusia,ex USSR countries, africa, China, north korea, Myanmar,and many others. underage girls from those countries, have been sold to UK, US, Germany ,just to name a few, even to Indonesia.

Most of the rest of the world have been enjoying a good ordinary life, raising a family, pursue a career, sometimes struggling with jobs, loans and personal problems, hang out with friends in some fancy resto or cafe in spare time, have money to buy things they want, travels abroad, go to clubs or music concert,even enjoy a pleasant morning with a good coffee.

the most important thing in life is freedom, and we have been enjoying it every day of our life.

most people are busy working their ass off just for more self indulgence, for more life entertainment, for more self pleasure. where in somewhere part of the country or world, some people suffered the worst cruelty. here we have been complaining for traffic jam, works, partners, friends and family, and how life had unfairly treated us. without realizing that for some people freedom is out of reach, a luxury.

in this materialistic, selfish, hedonistic and individualistic world, people are grown colder toward humanity. we lost our inner conscience,became ignorant of things that outside of our own little cocoon, focusing on things that we could gain not things that we could give freely. yes, we take life and its freedom for granted.

my heart and conscience haunted me after i watched the movie. those images of girls tortured beyond cruelty, i will never ever forget that.


most of us stay silent and ignorant and making excuses for that was not our war, we have our own life and our own problems. that movie made me realize that when it comes to humanity, it's not just some people war, but it's our war if we still have a heart and piece of humanity inside us.

at least we could do something about it, create something, write something, make some noises so more people will listen. life is empty when we have done nothing for humanity.

i remembered the holocaust of the jews and armenians, i remembered the massacre of tutsis, african slavery, i remembered all human tragedies because of silent and the ignorance of people.

Martin Luther King Jr once said "“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."

What all these victims need above all is to know that they are not alone; that we are not forgetting them, that when their voices are stifled we shall lend them ours, that while their freedom depends on ours, the quality of our freedom depends on theirs.

You Center Me

Every fog, every rain, every thunder.
On this road, seems like it will never end.
So I stray and I wonder, I don’t want to crash again.

And you say, some things never get better,
Some roads never get right.
Sometimes people need more than what’s inside.

And I know, that you center me.

Then one day, I’m the life of the party.
I’m the real thing, I’m your everything.
Then I fall from the grace, from the glory.
I lose all my faith again.

And you say nothings going to be perfect.
Perfect all in your mind, and all these demons
I can’t give up this fight.

When I lose my way, when anger fills my soul.
When I get to high on myself, and when it gets too cold.
I know, you’ll bring me back to life.
I know, you’ll make it seem alright.

Cause you center me.

Idiocracy of Indonesia

Indonesia's government is one of the most chaotic and unorganized government in the world, from central to local,worst government administration and bureaucracy.
On the contrary Indonesia is also famous with well organized corruption from central to local government, executive branch ,legislative and judicial. every government offices practice corruption. the mechanism of corruption is well organized, systematic and neat.

The executive branch, legislative n judicial all controlled by political parties. and political parties are controlled by corporations. Indonesia is sold out to the highest bidder by the government and legislative whore. This is not a country, Indonesia is just a large population lead by mob and organized with mafia style. A safe haven for white collar criminals, money laundering, and where corporations easily avoid paying tax.


Laws have been twisted to the point of ridicule and absurdity. the legal system is impotent and powerless. there's no supremacy of law only politics, because political power rules. and behind that power is always money.

the standard to elect president and government, legislative and judicial, are unbelievably low. most of those who got elected dont have a half brain of a kindergarten kid. the incompetency are so overwhelming.

Political parties just look like a bunch of moron every time they open their mouth. looked intellectually retarded and mentally disturbed. if you watched and heard those politicians talk in national tv with words that they even didnt believe it every word. the content of their speech, are politically twisted and full of BS. an insult of Indonesian people intelligence.

this nation is completely run by idiots. As tax payer, my tax money is completely wasted.

Keep on Living

driving my car fast in freeway..
listening to Triumphant of MC's song
racing stirs the blood and fire up the adrenalin..
feeling alive, free and good..


hands grip the steering wheel and eyes focus on things ahead..
while driving, glance to the rearview mirror, 
and suddenly i want to add more speed to the car

dont wanna stop even for a sec.., my mind already set.
to turn the car, is suicidal.

just want to keep on living and be with my own.

Fast lane

In high speed, extremely busy with works, insanely hours of corporate meetings which sometimes 10 to 12 hours continuously meetings, loaded with contracts that need to be reviewed, legal due diligence works, legal counsel, and all of those legal paper works, should deal with unrealistic demands of other departments, office politics and so on. and the Jakarta's traffic jam, is driving me crazy. a long, long hours of traffic jam, it's the most excruciating experience.

too exhausted. i am so ready to hit someone in the face, with a chair.

and my friends said, i need to get laid more.

Happy

You make me happy.
I wasn’t sure if that’s what it was, at first, but that wasn’t your fault.
It was only because I wasn’t used to the feeling.

I felt my shoulders unclenching and my face softening into a smile and I thought, “What is this? What’s happening? But then, it kept happening. It happened when I touched you on your back and it happened when I woke up and you pulled me closer to you and tucked my head into your arm and it happened when I watched you giggle at a movie and offer me your popcorn. And I thought, “Is that what this is? Could I be… happy?”


You make me happy to talk to. I like when you call. I like when you text. I like when you email me just to respond to some silly joke I’ve posted. I like when we argue. I like when you tease me. I like when I make you laugh. Your smile is a surprise every time I see it — it cracks onto your face like it shouldn’t be there and my heart lifts and takes flight like a little duck making its first attempts at leaving home.

I want to jump into your sweet, lovely, elusive smile and float on my back in a lazy river inner tube as the heat kisses my limbs. Your smile is everything — and I mirror it and my face feels fresh and new and hot. You make me sweat in that good, humming way — like after a particularly buzzing and relaxing run.

I need the warmth you give me. Even in the dark, you are the constellations in the black sky, the campfire in the woods, the firefly against the glass of the mason jar.

You make me have little cartoon heart-eyes. You make me feel like I’m swimming in a crystal teal pool with bright yellow sunlight beaming down on me. And the sun is smiling and wearing sunglasses and maybe giving a thumbs up to a sunflower, who is also rocking shades. You make me feel like sweet sugary candy that leaves sticky imprints on a little kid’s eager fingers. Like sugar matted to plump cheeks. Like golden juices from biting a kiwi or a watermelon. You make me feel pink and flushed. You make me want to spin around and watch glitter cascade off my skin, floral skirt flapping in the soft, clean wind.

You blind me to the end. You fill my world with your smells and your caresses and the sound of you breathing — in sleep beside me, in movement beneath me, and the sweetest: in my ear.

You make me feel like vanilla ice cream cones and cool ocean water and icy, hands cupped together, wrists touching, noses nuzzling at hairlines, lips on the crinkle beside your eyes. You make me feel like little kids in rainbow bathing suits jumping in chaotic sprinkler systems across fresh green grass. You make me feel like fun and polka dots and loud music and life.

When you look at me, I mean, really look at me — eyes open and brown and focused — and you smile, really smile, like I’ve just done something wonderful and worthy — it’s the newest, the brightest, the happiest.

Butterflies

cant stop smiling. relief. free. and feels light. a change of heart is a change of destiny. stand amazed on how simple, how easy it is. whatever had happened in the past. im honestly grateful. the word "New", have brought a profound meaning. excitement, anticipation, and mystery. and life is good to bring those to me again. i realize that the right decision brings the right blessing. and for that right blessing i know for sure that God is in control of everything. i recalled my friend said to me yesterday " just enjoy the butterflies". the butterflies put smile on my face.

What Moving On Is Like

Moving on is not like a birthday, you can’t count down the hours ‘til it arrives and you can’t mark it on a calendar and you can’t call up your friends to help you celebrate. You can’t plan for it and you can’t conclude it by blowing out a candle. When moving on happens there will be no announcements, no notifications, no congratulations. There will be no parade; only you will know.




Moving on is like this: one day you forget the taste. The next, you forget the smell. Then the touch. Then the laugh. Then the smile. Then the jokes. Then the eyes, the hair, the hands, the feet. You forget the socks. You forget the fingers, the toes, the sex. You forget the pulses, the beats, the rhythms and how you sometimes felt like they all belonged to you. You forget the words; finally, you forget the voice that spoke them.



Moving on is not like beginning a new chapter, it’s like beginning a new book — with each turned page, the last story you read fades into the background. A fairy tale that becomes just another book on a shelf; folded corners and underlined words the only reminder of how you used to touch and hold and love it. Moving on is when you begin to forget the intricacies of a character you knew intimately, you forget what he did for a living and the way he prepared grilled cheese and the nickname he had for his first girlfriend. You forget how he lost his virginity, you forget his middle name.



Moving on is waking up without a sour feeling in your stomach, looking at a familiar menu and ordering something different, taking the direct route to a destination and not the one that crosses a path you once set in stone. Moving on is when you think about him and don’t punish yourself for it, when he begins to evoke more of a scientific response than an emotional one, like “This is a 6’0” blonde-haired person who exists,” and not “This is a person I wish I’d never met; this is a person who has made me less of one.” Moving on is not to destroy or to combust or to set ablaze, it is simply to move, to advance through space and time, to leave behind the familiar dull of heartbreak for the new, the unknown, the strange. Moving on is a bird flying south for the winter who decides maybe the warmth isn’t so bad, who decides maybe he’ll stay there for awhile; moving on is like freedom, is what moving on is like.

Dear Lord

Lord I really don't know how to write a song, I'm not always eloquent sometimes I get it wrong, But the thing you're doing in me I can't describe. What a fool I'd be if I chose to hide, this transformation,new motivation. Thought that we were close I've known you all this time, but I was just living my life my way just getting by, Thought that if i do a good deed or two, that was enough to please you, I kept the parts I wanted to, and missed out on the real you. Now with every step & every breath, I'll give it all, hold nothing back, with all I am, this is my choice to live to worship you, so with all my heart, my soul, my mind I love you, leave it all behind, to live my life in awe of you, it's the least that I can do. I've held on so long to all my hopes & dreams, while your asking me to place them all at your feet, Let my praise be more than a song I'll sing for you, Let me change all my ways in response to you, I've lived for myself, Lord I need your help, not I who lives but you For you, for you are worthy of all honor And you, deserve the sacrifice I'll give. You've touched my heart, and now I see what it is you want from me, So I'll lose the things that hold me back, so you can set me free.

Didn't We Almost Have It All

Those wounded in love, unlike those wounded in armed conflict, are neither victims nor torturers. They chose something that is part of life, and so they have to accept both the agony and the ecstasy of their choice.
And those who have never been wounded in love will never be able to say: “I have lived”. Because they haven’t.

2012.01.01

there's a stillness within me. not the usual numbness, it's different.
cant put on words what i feels in the moment.cause there's none. cant hear the sound of my feelings anymore. i tried to find any sound inside, but they are simply silent.

this emptiness in me cleanse me somehow.

never thought i will gladly embrace this emptiness with gratitude.

never even thought, that this emptiness could put a smile in my face.

never thought, this emptiness is makes me happier.

this emptiness makes realize whats matter most.

enjoying this stillness within.