Fast lane

In high speed, extremely busy with works, insanely hours of corporate meetings which sometimes 10 to 12 hours continuously meetings, loaded with contracts that need to be reviewed, legal due diligence works, legal counsel, and all of those legal paper works, should deal with unrealistic demands of other departments, office politics and so on. and the Jakarta's traffic jam, is driving me crazy. a long, long hours of traffic jam, it's the most excruciating experience.

too exhausted. i am so ready to hit someone in the face, with a chair.

and my friends said, i need to get laid more.

Happy

You make me happy.
I wasn’t sure if that’s what it was, at first, but that wasn’t your fault.
It was only because I wasn’t used to the feeling.

I felt my shoulders unclenching and my face softening into a smile and I thought, “What is this? What’s happening? But then, it kept happening. It happened when I touched you on your back and it happened when I woke up and you pulled me closer to you and tucked my head into your arm and it happened when I watched you giggle at a movie and offer me your popcorn. And I thought, “Is that what this is? Could I be… happy?”


You make me happy to talk to. I like when you call. I like when you text. I like when you email me just to respond to some silly joke I’ve posted. I like when we argue. I like when you tease me. I like when I make you laugh. Your smile is a surprise every time I see it — it cracks onto your face like it shouldn’t be there and my heart lifts and takes flight like a little duck making its first attempts at leaving home.

I want to jump into your sweet, lovely, elusive smile and float on my back in a lazy river inner tube as the heat kisses my limbs. Your smile is everything — and I mirror it and my face feels fresh and new and hot. You make me sweat in that good, humming way — like after a particularly buzzing and relaxing run.

I need the warmth you give me. Even in the dark, you are the constellations in the black sky, the campfire in the woods, the firefly against the glass of the mason jar.

You make me have little cartoon heart-eyes. You make me feel like I’m swimming in a crystal teal pool with bright yellow sunlight beaming down on me. And the sun is smiling and wearing sunglasses and maybe giving a thumbs up to a sunflower, who is also rocking shades. You make me feel like sweet sugary candy that leaves sticky imprints on a little kid’s eager fingers. Like sugar matted to plump cheeks. Like golden juices from biting a kiwi or a watermelon. You make me feel pink and flushed. You make me want to spin around and watch glitter cascade off my skin, floral skirt flapping in the soft, clean wind.

You blind me to the end. You fill my world with your smells and your caresses and the sound of you breathing — in sleep beside me, in movement beneath me, and the sweetest: in my ear.

You make me feel like vanilla ice cream cones and cool ocean water and icy, hands cupped together, wrists touching, noses nuzzling at hairlines, lips on the crinkle beside your eyes. You make me feel like little kids in rainbow bathing suits jumping in chaotic sprinkler systems across fresh green grass. You make me feel like fun and polka dots and loud music and life.

When you look at me, I mean, really look at me — eyes open and brown and focused — and you smile, really smile, like I’ve just done something wonderful and worthy — it’s the newest, the brightest, the happiest.

Butterflies

cant stop smiling. relief. free. and feels light. a change of heart is a change of destiny. stand amazed on how simple, how easy it is. whatever had happened in the past. im honestly grateful. the word "New", have brought a profound meaning. excitement, anticipation, and mystery. and life is good to bring those to me again. i realize that the right decision brings the right blessing. and for that right blessing i know for sure that God is in control of everything. i recalled my friend said to me yesterday " just enjoy the butterflies". the butterflies put smile on my face.

What Moving On Is Like

Moving on is not like a birthday, you can’t count down the hours ‘til it arrives and you can’t mark it on a calendar and you can’t call up your friends to help you celebrate. You can’t plan for it and you can’t conclude it by blowing out a candle. When moving on happens there will be no announcements, no notifications, no congratulations. There will be no parade; only you will know.




Moving on is like this: one day you forget the taste. The next, you forget the smell. Then the touch. Then the laugh. Then the smile. Then the jokes. Then the eyes, the hair, the hands, the feet. You forget the socks. You forget the fingers, the toes, the sex. You forget the pulses, the beats, the rhythms and how you sometimes felt like they all belonged to you. You forget the words; finally, you forget the voice that spoke them.



Moving on is not like beginning a new chapter, it’s like beginning a new book — with each turned page, the last story you read fades into the background. A fairy tale that becomes just another book on a shelf; folded corners and underlined words the only reminder of how you used to touch and hold and love it. Moving on is when you begin to forget the intricacies of a character you knew intimately, you forget what he did for a living and the way he prepared grilled cheese and the nickname he had for his first girlfriend. You forget how he lost his virginity, you forget his middle name.



Moving on is waking up without a sour feeling in your stomach, looking at a familiar menu and ordering something different, taking the direct route to a destination and not the one that crosses a path you once set in stone. Moving on is when you think about him and don’t punish yourself for it, when he begins to evoke more of a scientific response than an emotional one, like “This is a 6’0” blonde-haired person who exists,” and not “This is a person I wish I’d never met; this is a person who has made me less of one.” Moving on is not to destroy or to combust or to set ablaze, it is simply to move, to advance through space and time, to leave behind the familiar dull of heartbreak for the new, the unknown, the strange. Moving on is a bird flying south for the winter who decides maybe the warmth isn’t so bad, who decides maybe he’ll stay there for awhile; moving on is like freedom, is what moving on is like.

Dear Lord

Lord I really don't know how to write a song, I'm not always eloquent sometimes I get it wrong, But the thing you're doing in me I can't describe. What a fool I'd be if I chose to hide, this transformation,new motivation. Thought that we were close I've known you all this time, but I was just living my life my way just getting by, Thought that if i do a good deed or two, that was enough to please you, I kept the parts I wanted to, and missed out on the real you. Now with every step & every breath, I'll give it all, hold nothing back, with all I am, this is my choice to live to worship you, so with all my heart, my soul, my mind I love you, leave it all behind, to live my life in awe of you, it's the least that I can do. I've held on so long to all my hopes & dreams, while your asking me to place them all at your feet, Let my praise be more than a song I'll sing for you, Let me change all my ways in response to you, I've lived for myself, Lord I need your help, not I who lives but you For you, for you are worthy of all honor And you, deserve the sacrifice I'll give. You've touched my heart, and now I see what it is you want from me, So I'll lose the things that hold me back, so you can set me free.

Didn't We Almost Have It All

Those wounded in love, unlike those wounded in armed conflict, are neither victims nor torturers. They chose something that is part of life, and so they have to accept both the agony and the ecstasy of their choice.
And those who have never been wounded in love will never be able to say: “I have lived”. Because they haven’t.

2012.01.01

there's a stillness within me. not the usual numbness, it's different.
cant put on words what i feels in the moment.cause there's none. cant hear the sound of my feelings anymore. i tried to find any sound inside, but they are simply silent.

this emptiness in me cleanse me somehow.

never thought i will gladly embrace this emptiness with gratitude.

never even thought, that this emptiness could put a smile in my face.

never thought, this emptiness is makes me happier.

this emptiness makes realize whats matter most.

enjoying this stillness within.

Silent Scream

Drown into perpetual madness,
only insanity keep the soul alive
Life is a satire humour
Laughing at my self to survive

Whatever will be. Be then
As my blood covers the heart
I grip life.

You would never understand

Left me in silence
Without a single word
You broke my heart I guess it's ur habits

If you just wanna leave, why bother to come back?
Those kisses,what were them?
You held my hands then you just let me go again
Have it ever crossed your mind that your hurt me?

You never dare nor have guts to penetrate my heart
If you want me to stay, ask me straightforwardly.
Then I will give you answer.

But you just walk away.and left my heart bleeding again.

You never understand me. You just don't know anything about me. Especially when it comes to my heart.

slap on the face

I said I missed you. And you said it's a lie
THen I said I missed you again. Your respond was "Thanks".

My heart suddenly froze n turn cold.
You just lost me forever.

Thank you and good bye.

Again

drank your poison. again.
sweet yet bitter in the end
welcome you, with an open arms, again.
forgetting all pains, disappointments,and wounds of the past
still, you tore me up without mercy. again

with, sincerity and plain honesty i had loved you.
at least for the sake of those things, you owed me some honesty

dont want to be sucked up in the vortex of insanity, again.
so no more again then.

Only the brave one

but she who dares not grasp the thorn, should never crave the rose.

Bubbly Plain

I've made up my mind,
No need to think it over,
If i'm wrong I aint right,
No need to look no further,
This ain't lust,
This is love but,

If i tell the world,
I'll never say enough,
Cause it was not said to you,
And thats exactly what i need to do,
If i'm ended up with you,

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

i'd build myself up,
And fly around in circles,
Wait then as my heart drops,
and my back begins to tingle
finally could this be it

Someday, somewhere – anywhere, unfailingly, you’ll find yourself, and that, and only that, can be the happiest or bitterest hour of your life

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this:

where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

"BTP"

They said things passed and life is about moving on, but sometimes something is better kept for good, even only in the depth of heart.

the eyes and the warm smile that had swept the cold of winter, never once be forgotten.
even as my body walked away, never once the heart.

you will always be remembered as the one who set me free. Thank you,BT.

Fake

afraid of being sucked back into the vortex of insanity.
with all my might, tried to hold on to logic, my reason plead, to give it up.

things are not always what they seem. but when it comes to feelings, some people still never learn from mistakes of the past.

today, i learned.

We'll Never Know

Girl im in love with you
This ain't the honeymoon
Past the infatuation phase
Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue everyday


I know i misbehaved
And you made your mistakes
And we both still got room left to grow
And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you first
And we'll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow


We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow


This ain't a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion
It gets more confusing everyday
Sometimes it's heaven sent
Then we head back to hell again
We kiss and we make up on the way


I hang up you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel like just walking away
As our love advances
We take second chances
Though it's not a fantasy
I Still want you to stay

Take it slow
Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave,
maybe you'll return
Maybe another fight
Maybe we won't survive
But maybe we'll grow
We never know
you and I

To Have Without Holding

Learning to love differently is hard,
love with the hands wide open, love
with the doors banging on their hinges,
the cupboard unlocked, the wind
roaring and whimpering in the rooms
rustling the sheets and snapping the blinds
that thwack like rubber bands
in an open palm.


It hurts to love wide open
stretching the muscles that feel
as if they are made of wet plaster,
then of blunt knives, then
of sharp knives.


It hurts to thwart the reflexes
of grab, of clutch; to love and let
go again and again. It pesters to remember
the lover who is not in the bed,
to hold back what is owed to the work
that gutters like a candle in a cave
without air, to love consciously,
conscientiously, concretely, constructively.


I can’t do it, you say, it’s killing
me, but you thrive, you glow
on the street like a neon raspberry,
you float and sail, a helium balloon
bright bachelor’s button blue and bobbing
on the cold and hot winds of our breath,
as we make and unmake in passionate
diastole and systole the rhythm
of our unbound bonding, to have
and not to hold, to love
with minimized malice, hunger
and anger moment by moment balanced.

Wells in heart

There are different wells within your heart.
Some fill with each good rain,
Others are far too deep for that.

In one well
You have just a few precious cups of water,
That “love” is literally something of yourself,
It can grow as slow as a diamond
If it is lost.

Your love
Should never be offered to the mouth of a stranger,
Only to someone
Who has the valor and daring
To cut pieces of their soul off with a knife
Then weave them into a blanket to protect you.

Brida

Choosing a path meant having to miss out on others. She had a whole life to live, and she was always thinking that, in the future, she might regret the choices she made now.
“I’m afraid of committing myself,” she thought to herself.
She wanted to follow all possible paths and so ended up following none. After her first romantic disappointment, she had never again given herself entirely. She feared pain, loss, and separation.
These things were inevitable on the path to love, and the only way of avoiding them was by deciding not to take that path at all.
In order not to suffer, you had to renounce love. It was like putting out your own eyes not to see the bad things in life.

Ever since time began, people have recognized their true Love by the light in their eyes.

“When you find your path, you must not be afraid. You need to have sufficient courage to make mistakes. Disappointment, defeat, and despair are the tools God uses to show us the way.”

“Don’t bother trying to explain your emotions. Live everything as intensely as you can and keep whatever you felt as a gift from God. The best way to destroy the bridge between the visible and invisible is by trying to explain your emotions.”

“But how will I know who my Soulmate is?” Brida felt that this was one of the most important questions she had ever asked in her life.
“By taking risks” she said to Brida. ‘ By risking failure, disappointment, disillusion, but never ceasing in your search for Love. As long as you keep looking, you will triumph in the end.”

Nothing is completely wrong. Even a broken watch is right twice a day.