Fair (conversation with my self)

'you put alot of effort for something that you knew that impossible.'

'i dont think so'

'huh? did you ever think? nope...you feels not think. and you know better than anyone that feelings could deceived you'

' i know what i feels, and i know what i feels is right"

' if your feelings is right, why are you suffering?, dont you ever get it? you are not being fair with your self, you pushed your self to the limit, beyond her limit,you abandoned all your values, even when everytime she's bleeding you said thats okay, it just a scratch, you continue to ignored her pains. you shut me down, your voice of reason, everytime i try to reason with you, you just didnt want to hear me out. but everytime you were in pain, i was the one that came to comfort you.

"silence"

' how long that you think your heart can hold?'

" deep silence"

" whatever your decision, whatever you do, please, please be fair to your self"

" sigh, and deep silence"

" dont let your self down, if you do, i will never forgive you"

" silence"

Black hole

Once vowed to my self,

that never once i would let my heart be conquered.
that i would not let my guard down.
that when it comes to love and logic, i would stand by logic.
that never once i would gamble upon my heart.

let my self down and could not trust my self anymore.

it's a black hole.

Numb

She has no memory,
How she came to be here.
But as she writes,
it starts to become clear

Through the enigmas,
and strangest of things,
in this abstract place,
no feeling it brings.

Her fingers type the words,
that she knows within her soul.
her mind feeds her the thoughts,
but the body has grown so cold.

Ecstasy, euphoria,
pain and joy.
all emotions she once felt.
but now theres not any left.

Her heart is beating,
alive and true.
but inside her soul,
she is so numb,
about everything.

Indifference engulfs her,
to the point of no return,
she puts her hand into the fire,
and yet it does not burn.
She cuts her hand,
no blood she finds.
“That can’t be possible,”
her conscience reminds.

She sees the mirror,
upon the wall.
the one that looks so familiar,
and so does the hall.

She walks up to it,
it starts to fall.
she realizes this is her only way back,
back to it all.

Quickly jumping into it,
before it shatters into pieces of glass.
she tried to go back home,
and thankfully she made it quite fast.

to again feel love and pain,
no longer to pass,
through the labrynth of illusions,
inside the looking glass.

Lesson learned

The Lion King

[Rafiki whacks Simba on the head with his stick]
Simba: Ow! Jeez, what was that for?!
Rafiki: It doesn’t matter! It’s in the past! [chuckles]
Simba: Yeah, but it still hurts.
Rafiki: Oh, yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or – learn from it.

My Quest. Answered.

i read an interesting debate of an atheist about the existence of God. as a former atheist, i can understand that person's struggle, the search, the battle within. thats why i decided to share my personal thoughts here.

in my personal opinion, religions are man made. those scriptures (holly books) such as Torah, Bible, Quran, are wrote by man. ordinary man and not God Him self. many agnostic and atheist said those ancient scriptures are just tales, bunch of nice stories from thousand years ago.

when you study religions, we know that religions have flaws, religious people have flaws and history noted, so what makes those scriptures so divine?

from ancient history, human have a desire to search for truth, the fundamental question of the existence of man, or if there's a god, what is god? there're logical paradox and logical proposition about the existence of god. from paganism to semitic religions who believe in one God, man seek for truth, all great philosophers and thinkers seek to find the answers of life, the essence of everything.

we know that philosophers and thinkers gave birth to science and knowledge, so we can taste the fruit of inventions, creations, all the magnificent things thats science had brought to human life. Science have answer for many things but does it have answer for everything? logically, i doubt it.

religions can provide solutions for many things but why there'are still unexplain things in life? human stories and history explained.

Richard dawkins a famous atheist and thinkers, wrote books about selfish gene and the god delusion, many atheist worship his thinking as progressive and revolutionary, even there's a trend among atheist today whenever they encounter a debate about religions, they will sometimes quoting dawkins. many atheist idolize great philosophers and thinkers as their gods. some called themselves platonians, aristotelians, but for me they are not gods, but teachers. i admire their works, create milestone of human civilization. but they are human, and human are capable of error. they could be wrong. the fundamental rule and very basic of logic, is to doubt everything. Skeptism is a common thing in philosophy.
atheism is to doubt the very existence of god. but somehow atheist forgot to doubt their own. in logic we should be skeptic.

and then there're long debate about creationism vs evolution, and it's tiring. there're many proof from scientist and thinkers who believe in creationism, which refuted darwin's evolution theory, but also from the atheist side, they also have scientifically proof that creationism is false. many great books wrote by great thinkers, philosophers and scientist. but i learn from experience, that we should challenge everything that we read, not quite easily accepted those as truth. because in logical thinking, there're no such absolute truth, so what is the truth then? can we define the truth? logically and morally?from skeptic believer point of view, the truth is relative.

to comprehend the existence of God, we have to search within. deep in our inner being. it's not a logical search, it's a soul search. if there's a God, God must be transcendent. there'are many times in life, we are incapable to explain, or find some logical answers. for example we cant predict or foreseen what would gonna happen to us in let say 5 minutes later, we could makes plan, but in life there'are the unexpected, accident, incident, things that intangible. human always deal with uncertainty.

if atheism can explains every unanswered questions about life, logically. I would stand as a pround atheist today.

anyway it start by a simple question, why i am here? what is my purpose in life? it's not just eat, sleep, work, dating, married, raising a family, relationship, happiness, popularity, career, charity work, active in religious activity, etc, but must be more than that. i believe that we are worth for living, there's a divine purpose in each of us. bcause to believe it other wise it just degrading the worth of man.

we all have desire to find the truth, we seek the truth in every aspect of life, our curiousity of truth has brought us into this certain of time, this certain place, and this certain phase of life. we encountered the relativity truth in our daily life, but still it cant satisfied our deepest desire. we always in doubt. but i believe there's an absolute truth, the Truth, it's transcendent. and it's God.

to understand the existence of God, we have to put our logic in humility mode, it took a humble mind to believe. as was an atheist i dont believe in love, because love was against all my logic could comprehend and love with all it absurdity i once vowed to rejected.

to believe in God, makes me believe in goodness, i believe in hope, and love. there're times where i have to shut my logic and to have faith. it's not easy for me, because logic had been my only resourceful of guidance and survival in life. i know that i cant abandon my logic, but i learn to not only hear the voice of my head but also the voice of my heart. still it's a fierce battle sometimes, because i used to follow my logic not my heart. now i try to balance it, logic and faith, is it possible? yes, but it takes huge effort and amount of time. logic still be my torch of light, but now i learn wisdom to know the difference.

i know now, that when i believe to the transcendent of God, it cast my doubts away. when things are uncertain i have hope in certainty of God. when i know i cant foreseen the future but i have faith that God hold my future and i can be rest assured. when facts of life are so difficult to understand logically, i put my trust in God that maybe i dont have to understand why, but i know God will help me thru it.

to believe in God, it's simple. just have faith. without faith we cant see God. you know mathematic is logic rite? for example 2 + 2 = 4, the questions is how do you know that 2+2=4, re u sure? what makes 2+2 =4? because the rules of numbers? so what is numbers? the beginning of number is zero, null. it the same as nothingness. without zero there would not be 12345....etc. so it begins with nothingness. can u comperehend nothingness logically? i believe there's also some faith in mathematical thinking. so does with God.

i really grateful to believe in God. im grateful that God let me to find the Truth and the Truth really set me free.

Secret Garden

She'll let you in her house
If you come knockin' late at night
She'll let you in her mouth
If the words you say are right
If you pay the price
She'll let you deep inside
But there's a secret garden she hides
She'll let you in her car
To go drivin' 'round
She'll let you into the parts of herself
That'll bring you down
She'll let you in her heart
If you got a hammer and a vise
But into her secret garden, don't think twice

You've gone a million miles
How far'd you get
To that place where you can't remember
And you can't forget

She'll lead you down a path
There'll be tenderness in the air
She'll let you come just far enough
So you know she's really there
Then she'll look at you and smile
And her eyes will say
She's got a secret garden
Where everything you want
Where everything you need
Will always stay
A million miles away

Asleep

Golden head by golden head,
Like two pigeons in one nest
Folded in each other’s wings,
They lay down their curtained bed:
Like two blossoms on one stem
Like two flakes of new-fall’n snow,
Like two wands of ivory
Tipped with gold for awful kings.
Moon and stars gazed in at them,
Wind sang to them lullaby,
Lumbering owls forbore to fly,
Not a bat flapped to and fro
Round their nest
Cheek to cheek and breast to breast
Locked together in one nest.

It takes some moments

Sometimes in a brief of flashes or flames,
I see, hear, something gives chill on the spine
and punch straight to the heart.

It reveals, unveils, enlights to my consciousness
intellectually, emotionally, spiritually
like a gentle slap in the face,
or sharp knive stab me not to kill
only to remove the bullet in my chest

In silent of tonight
i shiver, shaken, but somehow understand.
Sometimes it takes hurts to be made understand,
that understanding is bloody priceless.

Fine (conversation with my self)

What are you feeling?

Im fine.

Are you happy?

Im fine

So you are not happy then?

Im fine

Are you sad?

Try not to. Im fine.

Are you mad?

just cant think mad. Im fine.

So what exactly do you feel?

Im fine. fine. fine.fine.

Why you put too much fine in your answer?

Just in case you ask again.

Is there some thing upset you?

Some thing up set me and some thing just dont, what is the different anyway? im still fine.

What your mind telling you?

I ought to be fine.

What your heart telling you?

I will be fine.

So are you trying to be brave?

Im not brave enough, but im just fine enough.

Are you tired?

"smile"..

Why are u smiling? are you tired?

"smile. again" ...

Why you keep on smiling? and not answering my question? ok i repeat my question for the third time. tell me are you tired?

" still smiling, now with a big grin"...

Why are you silently smiling?and still not answering???

Be...

When the spent sun throws up its rays on cloud
And goes down burning into the gulf below,
No voice in nature is heard to cry aloud
At what has happened. Birds, at least must know
It is the change to darkness in the sky.
Murmuring something quiet in her breast,
One bird begins to close a faded eye;
Or overtaken too far from his nest,
Hurrying low above the grove, some waif
Swoops just in time to his remembered tree.
At most he thinks or twitters softly, 'Safe!
Now let the night be dark for all of me.
Let the night be too dark for me to see
Into the future. Let what will be, be.

Into my own

One of my wishes is that those dark trees,
So old and firm they scarcely show the breeze,
Were not, as ’twere, the merest mask of gloom,
But stretched away unto the edge of doom.

I should not be withheld but that some day
Into their vastness I should steal away,
Fearless of ever finding open land,
Or highway where the slow wheel pours the sand.

I do not see why I should e’er turn back,
Or those should not set forth upon my track
To overtake me, who should miss me here
And long to know if still I held them dear.

They would not find me changed from him they knew
Only more sure of all I thought was true.

From that time on, the world was hers for the reading. She would never be lonely again, never miss the lack intimate friends. Books became her friends and there was one for every mood. There was poetry for quiet companionship. There was adventure when she tired of quiet hours. There would be love stories when she came into adolescence and when she wanted to feel a closeness to someone she could read a biography. On that day when she first knew she could read, she made a vow to read one book a day as long as she lived.

Subconscious

Under the dark warm waters of sleep
your hands part me.
I am dreaming you anyway.


Your mouth is hot fruit, wet, strange,
night-fruit I taste with my opening mouth;
my eyes closed.


You, you. Your breath flares into fervent words
which explode in my head. Then you ask, push,
for an answer.


And this is how we sleep. You're in now, hard,
demanding; so I dream more fiercely, dream
till it hurts


that this is for real, yes, I feel it.
When you hear me, you hold on tight, frantic,
as if we were drowning.

Just a thought

Always fall in with what you're asked to accept. Take what is given, and make it over your way. My aim in life has always been to hold my own with whatever's going. Not against: with.

Why I Love My Dogs

The dog has been esteemed and loved by all the people on earth and he has deserved this affection for he renders services that have made him man's best friend.
Alfred Barbou


Dogs are wise. They crawl away into a quiet corner and lick their wounds and do not rejoin the world until they are whole once more.
Agatha Christie


The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.
Charles de Gaulle

The more I see of the depressing stature of people, the more I admire my dogs.
Alphonse de Lamartine


We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.
M. Facklam


If you want loyalty, get a dog. If you want loyalty and attention, get a smart dog.
Grant Fairley


The dogs in our lives, the dogs we come to love and who (we fervently believe) love us in return, offer more than fidelity, consolation, and companionship. They offer comedy, irony, wit, and a wealth of anecdotes, the "shaggy dog stories" and "stupid pet tricks" that are commonplace pleasures of life. They offer, if we are wise enough or simple enough to take it, a model for what it means to give your heart with little thought of return. Both powerfully imaginary and comfortingly real, dogs act as mirrors for our own beliefs about what would constitute a truly humane society. Perhaps it is not too late for them to teach us some new tricks.
Marjorie Garber


Read Nothing but love has made the dog lose his wild freedom, to become the servant of man.
D.H. Lawrence

The Thing Is...

to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.

When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?

Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.

When someone deeply listens to you

When someone deeply listens to you
it is like holding out a dented cup
you’ve had since childhood
and watching it fill up with
cold, fresh water.
When it balances on top of the brim,
you are understood.
When it overflows and touches your skin,
you are loved.
When someone deeply listens to you
the room where you stay
starts a new life
and the place where you wrote
your first poem
begins to glow in your mind’s eye.
It is as if gold has been discovered!

When someone deeply listens to you
your barefeet are on the earth
and a beloved land that seemed distant
is now at home within you.

— John Fox

It's not a word

It is not a word spoken,
Few words are said;
Nor even a look of the eyes
Nor a bend of the head,
But only a hush of the heart
That has too much to keep,
Only memories waking
That sleep so light a sleep.

Traffic Jam. Lesson Learned

Have you ever stuck in traffic jam for 7 horrible hours? I have. As I recalled it was during flood season when I was driving my car on the way to work, for me the experience was unbelievably traumatic. As well as many people often struggle to deal with an unavoidable Jakarta’s traffic jam, which is commonly at the peak of its hectic hours in the morning and after working-hours. Waiting in traffic jam is frustrating and stress producing, the experience is tormenting either driving alone or with a driver. Nothing could possibly be worse than Jakarta’s traffic jam. And we have to deal with it in every single day.

I love living in Jakarta, this dynamic urban city offers hope, opportunity, and challenge for people that try to make a living here. Jakarta has been recognizes to be one of the largest city in the world, and its vast development has made many Jakartans feels proud. With its wide roads, ring roads, toll roads, and the latest is busway, should make traveling in Jakarta easier and accessible. How ever, as one of the most populous cities in the world, the city layout is chaotic and totally bewildering, Jakarta’s traffic has been notorious for its perpetual grid-lock, the traffic is indisputably the worst in South-East Asia with horrendous traffic jams slowing the city to a crawl during rush hour.

While waiting in traffic jam, try to look outside of your car window, and view the car or the motorcycle near you, you will actually find some people with tight faces ready to do combat to reach their destination. The waiting experience is exhausting and drained you physically and emotionally. And to make the experience even worst are the behavior of buses and angkot that rudely cut off your line, the new king of the road are motorcycles, they comes with incredible force as a unit, undoubtedly will drive you crazy. You should have some extra-ordinary driving skills in able to survive in Jakarta’s traffic.

How ever, despite all the ugliness of Jakarta’s traffic, I simply admire the resilient of Jakarta’s resident to keep on driving their vehicles every day in one of most chaotic and unorganized roads in the world. How they could manage to wake up every morning and drive into the madness of perpetual traffic jam. Then after a long tiring day at work, they have to face another battle of long hours stuck in the same traffic jam, again. Or did you ever notice those people that traveled with bus or angkot, they do not have the luxury of air conditioner or comfortable seat, most of the times the bus is too crowded and do not have enough space so many passengers must endure hours of standing in the bus. Their ability to survive in one of the toughest traffic jam in the world, Jakarta’s residents should be given a trophy.

Traffic jam is like a ground test for human character, it tested your resilience, your strength of endurance and it tested your patience. Those valuable experiences are priceless. You will be utterly amazed how small things can really teach you great lessons.

Life in many mysterious ways, teach and test people, from lousy day at work, quarrel with spouse, or even being stuck miserably in traffic jam, it is the way you respond that matter most. Everything that happens in life creates lessons, lessons produces values, and values transforms character.

My Perception of Beauty

The world’s perception of beauty has become commodity. Some people without realizing they already become a victim of commercialization of beauty. In today’s society we are bombarded with images of beauty, urged and practically forced by media and pop culture to attain physical beauty as the key of happiness and success in life. In a result of that some have based their self-worth and self image on false and wrong ideals. The standard of beauty has been determined by perfect appearance and beautifully flawless, men and especially women are set their goal to reach that unrealistic expectation. The world are sometimes cruel with words and actions, full of uncertainty that maybe yesterday they said you are beautiful enough and tomorrow you probably may not, some people has become sensitive and fragile to keep up with the world’s irrational standard.


In this free-world era, still some people a captive from their own wrong self-image. Even some modern-sophisticated urbanites whom are smart, confidence and financially independent, sometimes felt that they can not escape from the social pressure to be perfectly beautiful outwardly. Some are struggle desperately to fit in with the commercial standard of beauty, and chose an extreme way from an extreme plastic surgery to starve-to death diet (actually this kind of action most likely done by women than men). Do not get me wrong, I am not taking an opposite position toward outward beauty because I believe that both inner and outward beauty have the significant role in our personal development. We have to take good care of our physical being and want to feel good about our selves is not a sin. But mortal beauty and perfectly flawless physically are pseudo-myth and to pursuit it wholeheartedly would not only shattered your self-worth but also would bring painful disappointment in the end.

In today’s society the definition of beauty has radically changed. Beauty has become exclusive. In it exclusiveness, outward beauty already become an ambition which requiring some men and women to focused on becoming exceedingly attractive physically. There is a social pressure especially for women to be beautiful. Most of the time both sexes felt that they have been judged not by the content of their characters but by their physical appearances.

Our society need people who stood up saying they are beautiful no matter what the world says, they are proud to be imperfect, those kind of people will stands out in society and eventually in the world. Their strength comes from their inner beings, it is where the true self dwells. Physical beauty will gradually degrading and the artificial beauty will eventually vanished, it is our inner beauty that soars beyond ages and surpasses time, strengthen us to overcome life and help us go through our darkest and most difficult times, it is our anchor to pull our self when we feel we are slipping away.

I love my self too much to bother with what the world say, because the world’s standard is unreal and vain, it just commercial agenda that targeting people with wounded ego and low self-esteem, thank god not every one is victimized, there are still people with common sense after all.

As for me beauty is not in the eye of the beholder, because eyes can easily be fooled, blurred and distracted, but I believe if we look every one from the eyes of our heart, we will see the beauty within.

as there's a saying “Beauty is in the heart of the beholder”.