Beyond Understanding

two people walking on the street
walking together, but emotionally apart
used to be one, but now they are just two
they are passing a stranger on the street
they even didnt realize they are passing each other as stranger, on their secluded mind
two people walking, used to hold each other hands, heart and body
now they are holding each for their own ground, own heart and own body
two people walking together, used to hate silence when they were together, now each enjoy their own solitude, and silence is their walls of denials and perhaps defense.
two people walking, their body are barely touching, perhaps on the inside their heart are nearly breaking.
two people standing together, not eye to eye nor heart to heart anymore. because the pain could obviously seen. now they are facing the opposite of each other, because perhaps this is just better this way.
two people, not holding hands anymore, but each holding their hearts tightly, their pride firmly.

two people walking together,each try to convince them selves, that this is just the way it is. this is better than yesterday.

two people walking together, putting on a brave face. each is protecting the solitude of the other. maybe it's strange but deeper way.

For what it's worth

You and me. we both knew all along that you will never gonna fight for me. so thats why i have done everything i could n said i wait. but even when the last drop of my strength failed me. you just stood there.

i should have known better. stupid me.

so for what it's worth, thank you.

In Solitude

in solitude
i found me
to make peace with my complexity
to gain strength that was drained from the last battle

in solitude
i found my answer
that i may not know all the answers, whatever they might be, i chose the less i know the better
that i may have thought, guessing, it all wrong or right, it just doesnt matter anymore.

in solitude
i have calmed the storm in my heart, and quieted my thoughts

in solitude
im free from any judgement, resentment, and commitment.

in solitude
there's nothing more important to me than freedom

No more

it took a few slapped of realization of reality
to listen to the voice of reason again..
to think logically without having another collision with vain feelings
to see clear as facts, to put aside all unrealistic hope, feelings, dreams, or whatever you may called it.
when logic took its stand, firmly, heal the blindness of the heart, show the right way, far away from stupidity.

i took, held, logic tightly, as my life depends on it.

i heard, my inner voice of reason, with a voice as clear as thunder,said "no more"
and this time, i obey.

It's what you want.

The thing is, it's what you want. that i finally gave.

you know exactly what i want.
but you dont want what i want.
so in the end, i gave what you want.

the thing is, it's not because i dont want what i used to want anymore, but because finally i can fully understand what you want.

you know it's not easy for me to gave up what i want for the thing you want.

it's not easy.

Silence

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way

'Cause I can't continue pretending to choose
These opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong, be this many times

My memory is cruel
I'm queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if its fails

Until now, you told me
It sounded familiar in a way
That I could have sworn I'd heard you say it
Ten thousand times, if only I had been listening

Leave unsaid, unspoken
Eyes wide shut, unopened
You and me always between the lines


I thought i was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
Stand in the center of it all

Too late, two choices, to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
you'd already left
So I learned to listen through silence

Leave unsaid, unspoken
Eyes wide shut, unopened
You and me always be

I tell myself all the words you surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
Wait for me, I'm almost ready when you meant let go.

It's just hit me

should I give up..
or should I just keep chasing pavements..
Even if it leads nowhere..
or would it be a waste..
even if I knew my place..
should I leave it there..

Profound

warm morning
swept away the cold
my mind found rest. finally.
there's nothing i could ask than a little peace of mind.
just a little peace of mind for a brief moment, for an hour or hours, i dont even dare to wish for days.
only for a moment. my mind finally rest in peace.
this moment for me, is profound.

Fair (conversation with my self)

'you put alot of effort for something that you knew that impossible.'

'i dont think so'

'huh? did you ever think? nope...you feels not think. and you know better than anyone that feelings could deceived you'

' i know what i feels, and i know what i feels is right"

' if your feelings is right, why are you suffering?, dont you ever get it? you are not being fair with your self, you pushed your self to the limit, beyond her limit,you abandoned all your values, even when everytime she's bleeding you said thats okay, it just a scratch, you continue to ignored her pains. you shut me down, your voice of reason, everytime i try to reason with you, you just didnt want to hear me out. but everytime you were in pain, i was the one that came to comfort you.

"silence"

' how long that you think your heart can hold?'

" deep silence"

" whatever your decision, whatever you do, please, please be fair to your self"

" sigh, and deep silence"

" dont let your self down, if you do, i will never forgive you"

" silence"

Black hole

Once vowed to my self,

that never once i would let my heart be conquered.
that i would not let my guard down.
that when it comes to love and logic, i would stand by logic.
that never once i would gamble upon my heart.

let my self down and could not trust my self anymore.

it's a black hole.

Numb

She has no memory,
How she came to be here.
But as she writes,
it starts to become clear

Through the enigmas,
and strangest of things,
in this abstract place,
no feeling it brings.

Her fingers type the words,
that she knows within her soul.
her mind feeds her the thoughts,
but the body has grown so cold.

Ecstasy, euphoria,
pain and joy.
all emotions she once felt.
but now theres not any left.

Her heart is beating,
alive and true.
but inside her soul,
she is so numb,
about everything.

Indifference engulfs her,
to the point of no return,
she puts her hand into the fire,
and yet it does not burn.
She cuts her hand,
no blood she finds.
“That can’t be possible,”
her conscience reminds.

She sees the mirror,
upon the wall.
the one that looks so familiar,
and so does the hall.

She walks up to it,
it starts to fall.
she realizes this is her only way back,
back to it all.

Quickly jumping into it,
before it shatters into pieces of glass.
she tried to go back home,
and thankfully she made it quite fast.

to again feel love and pain,
no longer to pass,
through the labrynth of illusions,
inside the looking glass.

Lesson learned

The Lion King

[Rafiki whacks Simba on the head with his stick]
Simba: Ow! Jeez, what was that for?!
Rafiki: It doesn’t matter! It’s in the past! [chuckles]
Simba: Yeah, but it still hurts.
Rafiki: Oh, yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or – learn from it.

My Quest. Answered.

i read an interesting debate of an atheist about the existence of God. as a former atheist, i can understand that person's struggle, the search, the battle within. thats why i decided to share my personal thoughts here.

in my personal opinion, religions are man made. those scriptures (holly books) such as Torah, Bible, Quran, are wrote by man. ordinary man and not God Him self. many agnostic and atheist said those ancient scriptures are just tales, bunch of nice stories from thousand years ago.

when you study religions, we know that religions have flaws, religious people have flaws and history noted, so what makes those scriptures so divine?

from ancient history, human have a desire to search for truth, the fundamental question of the existence of man, or if there's a god, what is god? there're logical paradox and logical proposition about the existence of god. from paganism to semitic religions who believe in one God, man seek for truth, all great philosophers and thinkers seek to find the answers of life, the essence of everything.

we know that philosophers and thinkers gave birth to science and knowledge, so we can taste the fruit of inventions, creations, all the magnificent things thats science had brought to human life. Science have answer for many things but does it have answer for everything? logically, i doubt it.

religions can provide solutions for many things but why there'are still unexplain things in life? human stories and history explained.

Richard dawkins a famous atheist and thinkers, wrote books about selfish gene and the god delusion, many atheist worship his thinking as progressive and revolutionary, even there's a trend among atheist today whenever they encounter a debate about religions, they will sometimes quoting dawkins. many atheist idolize great philosophers and thinkers as their gods. some called themselves platonians, aristotelians, but for me they are not gods, but teachers. i admire their works, create milestone of human civilization. but they are human, and human are capable of error. they could be wrong. the fundamental rule and very basic of logic, is to doubt everything. Skeptism is a common thing in philosophy.
atheism is to doubt the very existence of god. but somehow atheist forgot to doubt their own. in logic we should be skeptic.

and then there're long debate about creationism vs evolution, and it's tiring. there're many proof from scientist and thinkers who believe in creationism, which refuted darwin's evolution theory, but also from the atheist side, they also have scientifically proof that creationism is false. many great books wrote by great thinkers, philosophers and scientist. but i learn from experience, that we should challenge everything that we read, not quite easily accepted those as truth. because in logical thinking, there're no such absolute truth, so what is the truth then? can we define the truth? logically and morally?from skeptic believer point of view, the truth is relative.

to comprehend the existence of God, we have to search within. deep in our inner being. it's not a logical search, it's a soul search. if there's a God, God must be transcendent. there'are many times in life, we are incapable to explain, or find some logical answers. for example we cant predict or foreseen what would gonna happen to us in let say 5 minutes later, we could makes plan, but in life there'are the unexpected, accident, incident, things that intangible. human always deal with uncertainty.

if atheism can explains every unanswered questions about life, logically. I would stand as a pround atheist today.

anyway it start by a simple question, why i am here? what is my purpose in life? it's not just eat, sleep, work, dating, married, raising a family, relationship, happiness, popularity, career, charity work, active in religious activity, etc, but must be more than that. i believe that we are worth for living, there's a divine purpose in each of us. bcause to believe it other wise it just degrading the worth of man.

we all have desire to find the truth, we seek the truth in every aspect of life, our curiousity of truth has brought us into this certain of time, this certain place, and this certain phase of life. we encountered the relativity truth in our daily life, but still it cant satisfied our deepest desire. we always in doubt. but i believe there's an absolute truth, the Truth, it's transcendent. and it's God.

to understand the existence of God, we have to put our logic in humility mode, it took a humble mind to believe. as was an atheist i dont believe in love, because love was against all my logic could comprehend and love with all it absurdity i once vowed to rejected.

to believe in God, makes me believe in goodness, i believe in hope, and love. there're times where i have to shut my logic and to have faith. it's not easy for me, because logic had been my only resourceful of guidance and survival in life. i know that i cant abandon my logic, but i learn to not only hear the voice of my head but also the voice of my heart. still it's a fierce battle sometimes, because i used to follow my logic not my heart. now i try to balance it, logic and faith, is it possible? yes, but it takes huge effort and amount of time. logic still be my torch of light, but now i learn wisdom to know the difference.

i know now, that when i believe to the transcendent of God, it cast my doubts away. when things are uncertain i have hope in certainty of God. when i know i cant foreseen the future but i have faith that God hold my future and i can be rest assured. when facts of life are so difficult to understand logically, i put my trust in God that maybe i dont have to understand why, but i know God will help me thru it.

to believe in God, it's simple. just have faith. without faith we cant see God. you know mathematic is logic rite? for example 2 + 2 = 4, the questions is how do you know that 2+2=4, re u sure? what makes 2+2 =4? because the rules of numbers? so what is numbers? the beginning of number is zero, null. it the same as nothingness. without zero there would not be 12345....etc. so it begins with nothingness. can u comperehend nothingness logically? i believe there's also some faith in mathematical thinking. so does with God.

i really grateful to believe in God. im grateful that God let me to find the Truth and the Truth really set me free.

Secret Garden

She'll let you in her house
If you come knockin' late at night
She'll let you in her mouth
If the words you say are right
If you pay the price
She'll let you deep inside
But there's a secret garden she hides
She'll let you in her car
To go drivin' 'round
She'll let you into the parts of herself
That'll bring you down
She'll let you in her heart
If you got a hammer and a vise
But into her secret garden, don't think twice

You've gone a million miles
How far'd you get
To that place where you can't remember
And you can't forget

She'll lead you down a path
There'll be tenderness in the air
She'll let you come just far enough
So you know she's really there
Then she'll look at you and smile
And her eyes will say
She's got a secret garden
Where everything you want
Where everything you need
Will always stay
A million miles away

Asleep

Golden head by golden head,
Like two pigeons in one nest
Folded in each other’s wings,
They lay down their curtained bed:
Like two blossoms on one stem
Like two flakes of new-fall’n snow,
Like two wands of ivory
Tipped with gold for awful kings.
Moon and stars gazed in at them,
Wind sang to them lullaby,
Lumbering owls forbore to fly,
Not a bat flapped to and fro
Round their nest
Cheek to cheek and breast to breast
Locked together in one nest.

It takes some moments

Sometimes in a brief of flashes or flames,
I see, hear, something gives chill on the spine
and punch straight to the heart.

It reveals, unveils, enlights to my consciousness
intellectually, emotionally, spiritually
like a gentle slap in the face,
or sharp knive stab me not to kill
only to remove the bullet in my chest

In silent of tonight
i shiver, shaken, but somehow understand.
Sometimes it takes hurts to be made understand,
that understanding is bloody priceless.

Fine (conversation with my self)

What are you feeling?

Im fine.

Are you happy?

Im fine

So you are not happy then?

Im fine

Are you sad?

Try not to. Im fine.

Are you mad?

just cant think mad. Im fine.

So what exactly do you feel?

Im fine. fine. fine.fine.

Why you put too much fine in your answer?

Just in case you ask again.

Is there some thing upset you?

Some thing up set me and some thing just dont, what is the different anyway? im still fine.

What your mind telling you?

I ought to be fine.

What your heart telling you?

I will be fine.

So are you trying to be brave?

Im not brave enough, but im just fine enough.

Are you tired?

"smile"..

Why are u smiling? are you tired?

"smile. again" ...

Why you keep on smiling? and not answering my question? ok i repeat my question for the third time. tell me are you tired?

" still smiling, now with a big grin"...

Why are you silently smiling?and still not answering???

Be...

When the spent sun throws up its rays on cloud
And goes down burning into the gulf below,
No voice in nature is heard to cry aloud
At what has happened. Birds, at least must know
It is the change to darkness in the sky.
Murmuring something quiet in her breast,
One bird begins to close a faded eye;
Or overtaken too far from his nest,
Hurrying low above the grove, some waif
Swoops just in time to his remembered tree.
At most he thinks or twitters softly, 'Safe!
Now let the night be dark for all of me.
Let the night be too dark for me to see
Into the future. Let what will be, be.

Into my own

One of my wishes is that those dark trees,
So old and firm they scarcely show the breeze,
Were not, as ’twere, the merest mask of gloom,
But stretched away unto the edge of doom.

I should not be withheld but that some day
Into their vastness I should steal away,
Fearless of ever finding open land,
Or highway where the slow wheel pours the sand.

I do not see why I should e’er turn back,
Or those should not set forth upon my track
To overtake me, who should miss me here
And long to know if still I held them dear.

They would not find me changed from him they knew
Only more sure of all I thought was true.

From that time on, the world was hers for the reading. She would never be lonely again, never miss the lack intimate friends. Books became her friends and there was one for every mood. There was poetry for quiet companionship. There was adventure when she tired of quiet hours. There would be love stories when she came into adolescence and when she wanted to feel a closeness to someone she could read a biography. On that day when she first knew she could read, she made a vow to read one book a day as long as she lived.